INTRODUCTION TO THE PHOBIA
Someone once said,
“Having a phobia has changed me. When it happens, I feel like I can’t breathe”
Never has a quote described what I feel more accurately.
A “phobia” is an excessive and irrational fear reaction. If one has a phobia, he/she may experience a deep sense of dread or panic on encountering the source of their fear. The fear can be of a certain place, situation, or object. Unlike general anxiety disorders, a phobia is usually connected to something specific. Of course, nowadays, there is a type of phobia attached to almost everything.
“Cymophobia” is what I have. Wikipedia would define it as an abnormal fear of waves, sea swells and other wave like motions, often triggered due its deadliness. But that’s not my definition. There are things that remain unexpressed and unexplained, despite the countless efforts by humans to decipher them. And such is my fear of waves. The dread of being swept away in no time and drown into abyss, turn moody, sad and anxious in a matter of seconds and finding myself trapped in an immense spread of blue stretching into the horizon, leaves me numb…everytime!
In studies it has been found that people who fear water, perceive any type of H2O as dangerous, or experience unpleasant memories regarding waves, swell, oceans or rivers are likely to suffer from Cymophobia. Kymophobia or cymophobia also has to do with being wary of undulating and rolling landscape.
Tsunamis, big waves, flashbacks of traumatic childhood experiences on the beach, waves hitting cliffs or rocky regions, tidal waves, floods, wave pools, and river waves can all trigger Cymophobic reactions in sufferers. Even the sound of crashing waves against the shore can ignite panic.
Cymophobic individuals often live far away from oceans, rivers and lakes. An attack of cymophobia can bring on vertigo, dizziness, headaches, and feelings of nausea. Cymophobes will avoid any mass media stories on waves and they will avoid the “wave pools” at popular water parks. Activities like surfing and other open water sports will be shunned as they are perceived as risky
On the other hand, an exaggerated or irrational fear of waves shouldn't be confused with a natural disquietude, sense of distress, apprehension, or alarm triggered in a surfer's mind during a big wave occurrence. Fear is a good thing. Panic is dangerous.
A JOURNEY
BACKDROP OF MY PHOBIA
I don’t have a history with waves or the rough ocean scenes nor did I have a traumatic childhood experience at the beach. Infact, I loved going to the beaches and have a bag full of beautiful memories attached to it. Until one midnight, when I woke up, drenched in sweat, heart pounding against my chest, felt the world slipping away slowly and a feeling of nothingness took over my mind. I remained still for a straight ten minutes until I came back to my senses. I realized what had just happened. I had just witnessed the worst nightmare of my entire life and it took me all of my power to come in terms with it. I had no idea how to deal with it. I was clueless and scared to my bone. I tried to arrange the scattered pieces of what I had dreamt and I failed over and over again because the mere thought of waves and oceans being deadly had never crossed my mind until then.
Beaches that usually come to one’s mind as a source of fun, games, happiness, vacation spot, were no more the same for me. The idea of wandering on a beach with my family, surfing around, building sand castles and experiencing happiness didn’t excite me anymore. Indeed, the mere thought of it, paralyzed me and brought horrible flashbacks of the nightmare and I would become restless and delirious. It had scarred my life. Sometimes you experience things in life that leave you feeling confined and restricted. You want to move ahead, yet you feel held back or paralyzed by it. This was that.
On doing my research about the same, I found that there doesn’t seem to be one particular cause of phobia, but there are several factors that might play an important role:
Particular incidents or traumas in life
Learned responses, picked up in early life.
Responses to panic or fear such as panic attack.
Long-term stress can cause feelings of anxiety and depression, and reduce your ability to cope in particular situations.
From all of the above causes, I found none that matched mine. I discovered that I had no basis for this recent phobia that was growing to consume me, bit by bit and therefore, had concluded that it was just another irrational fear and a phase that will pass with time.
But my unsuccessful attempts at overcoming this fear over time, by visiting beaches for personal projects, peace and to rediscover my lost love, made me finally realize that I had it. I was phobic to waves, beaches and the never-ending blue oceans.
Little did I know that this phobia of mine didn’t need an actual traumatic past at a beach or a wave. A nightmare was all I needed.
MY PERSONAL ANTIDOTE
After having understood the phobia, I tried to get rid of it, most of it atleast. Almost all phobias can be successfully treated and cured. Simple phobias can be treated through gradual exposure to the object, animal, place or situation that causes fear and anxiety. This is known as desensitization or self-exposure therapy.
I began my cure with the same. I would visit a beach often to desensitize this fear, would take a walk, try to imagine the serenity found in waves and ocean water, would give myself excuses such as photography (a hobby close to my heart) to capture the waves and the picturesque ocean at dawn and of myself at the location to know how I would feel about it later. Turned out, ‘agitated’ and ‘alarmed’ would perfectly describe my photographs. Nothing helped the restlessness and the constant feeling of drowning.
This finally led to portraying what I felt, through something that seeks no attention by itself yet helps one pour his feelings and illustrate it through a mixture of few beautiful strokes. Painting.
I have been painting all my life. I would paint when I turned angry, at people older than me, due to the inability to scream at them. I would paint when I couldn’t put my imaginations into words.
I would paint when I felt restless and anxious. I would paint in anticipation to explore and discover the various aspects of painting and sometimes, I would even paint to capture a memory and from all of these, one thing that remains mutual is that painting is my consolation and my standard way of expressing what lies deep within me. Painting is my cure.
Therefore, I decided to paint my fear, Cymophobia. I had my deliberations but my love for painting surpassed them.
I started with describing the emotions on encountering my fear in four phases.
Phase I: A depiction of how I am always terrorized of waves and my perpetual visions of the waves taking up a gigantic and a ghostly form leaving me transfixed, devouring me into its chasm.
Phase II: This phase portrayed the ability of these waves to bring out the morose in me who would rather be gloomy, sad, alone and anxious than happy, cheerful, and social. A version I would never wish for any living being.
Phase III: This phase personified something deadlier than the waves itself, its nightmare. Sleepless nights, chills running down the spine, and the voidness would be a befitting description of the nightmare.
Phase IV: This is the phase where a non-life ends a life. The fatal one of all. The vigor with which the waves consume me leaves me insensate. With blackness kicking in, and my fear fully exposed, I find myself lifeless in no time.
SEVERAL RENDITIONS
My first attempt at painting these four phases had been more arduous than I thought. Picturing them meant reliving them. Therefore, to make it a little lively and less saddening, I began drawing them with various colors, using color crayons and pencils and experimented the waves in different shades and hues to portray different emotions.
On completion of my first attempt, my mind was unsatiated. It felt like I didn’t do justice to what I deeply felt.
My second attempt at this rendition involved exploring the waves using acrylic paint and I approached techniques such as the involvement of sponges and brushes to enable the fear’s accurate interpretation.
This attempt brought me closer to my passion, as I started to explore and discover new techniques. In the progress, I found my love for acrylic paints, their light-fastness, opaqueness and its ability to bring realism to the paintings. I decided to stick with this medium. But, as far as my fear was concerned, it still lagged behind.
Therefore, I gave it another shot. This time I changed my setting for the painting. It took me some time to recognize the fact that these paintings were incomplete. The fear was incomplete without the sufferer. And thus, emerged the concept of painting myself alongside the waves.
The idea of painting myself in those large canvases along with my fear, was based off the self-exposure therapy. It would be a cure only when I could see myself facing it, and what better than painting this whole picture.
Moreover, one would understand what the fear meant to the artist, better, when the artist pulls it off with depicting its impact on himself/herself and that’s why it was crucial for me to insert myself in those paintings and endeavor its terror with an ardent mind.
I managed to insert myself using “digital print”, to keep it natural and merge the waves along with the print and finally, use acrylic to give the finishing touch.
But something about it didn’t seem right. Didn’t seem enough. My only cure hadn’t cured me yet and I was baffled. Every time I would take a look at these paintings, something about them didn’t uphold the agony and the pain of it, rightfully.
It was later that I realized, that my initial concept of keeping it lively and less saddening through the use of countless shades and hues didn’t capture the essence of fear.
Many fears are healthy ones. They can inhibit you from taking actions that are not in your best interest and from the ones that you would ultimately regret. This is instinctual.
It is not this instinctual fear that I want to explore but rather what mind creates and the type that holds you back from joyfully living life.
Of-course, nothing better than a tinge of black and white would represent my fear. While white is associated with light, goodness, innocence, purity and has a positive connotation; black is associated with power, formality, elegance, death, evil and mystery. Black being a mysterious colour, associated with fear and the unknown (black holes), usually has a negative connotation. Thereby, black could symbolize my fear and its dominance over me whereas white could define my struggle against it and a quest to find light.
Henceforth, I chose to go forward with the black and white scheme. I stuck to the acrylic paint and the digital print of the visage and this time, to symbolize the continuity of the phobia, throughout the day and even night and my endless struggle to battle it, I adopted the concept of painting the phases in a “Day and Night” scheme.
This rendition was perfect. I knew I did it. I could see I had successfully painted everything that I had in mind and every aspect of what I was most scared of. I had never been happier or more satisfied with my work. This had all that I hoped for and in the process of it all, I did let go a part of my fear, if not the entirety of it. I’m most certain that creativity did take courage.
This is the story of a girl, very close to my heart and her sheer passion towards painting, which has become her "survival" and this work is a tribute to all those who suffer through phobias and find it hard to express or battle it. We are here for you and this one's for both you and I!